Toddler Tip Tuesday: Is It a Power Struggle or a Plea for Help? How to Tell the Difference at the Table
Power Struggle... or Cry for Help?
Last week, my toddler crossed her arms at dinner, glared at the plate in front of her, and shouted, "NO! I DON'T WANT IT!"
I instantly felt defeated.
At first glance, it looked like a classic toddler power move. But after taking a beat (and remembering my own advice), I realized something deeper was going on.
Sometimes what looks like a toddler "being difficult" is actually a hidden plea for help.
And learning to tell the difference at the table? It changes everything.
Let's break it down.
Why This Matters
When we mistake a plea for help as just a power struggle, we often respond with more control, think threats, bribes, ultimatums, which can accidentally make mealtimes even harder.
But when we can see the cry for help underneath the behavior, we shift from battling our toddlers... to helping them.
👉 It’s not about "winning" mealtime.
👉 It’s about understanding what’s really going on, so we can lead with connection and teach cooperation over time.
Real Examples: Power Struggle vs Plea for Help at the Table
Power Struggle Examples:
Toddler refuses to sit in their chair just because you asked them to. (It’s about asserting control, not fear.)
Toddler demands a cookie mid-dinner even after you said no, just to see if you’ll cave. (Testing boundaries, classic toddler move.)
Toddler pushes their plate across the table with a mischievous smile and watches your reaction. (Attention-seeking, not distress.)
✅ In these moments, a calm boundary + choice ("You can sit nicely or mealtime is over") helps restore structure without adding fuel to the fire.
Plea for Help Examples:
Toddler cries when the plate is set down because the food "looks wrong." (Sensory sensitivity or overwhelmed by change.)
Toddler throws food after trying a bite and gagging. (Genuine sensory issue, not bad manners.)
Toddler refuses to eat anything and melts down after a busy overstimulating day. (Overtired and dysregulated.)
✅ In these moments, connection first ("I see you're upset. It's okay.") followed by gentle support ("You can touch it first, you don’t have to eat it yet") opens the door to cooperation.
Quick Ways to Tell the Difference
Ask yourself:
Is my toddler smiling or smirking? → Likely testing boundaries (power struggle).
Is my toddler crying, trembling, or panicking? → Likely overwhelmed (plea for help).
Does this happen after a big day, transition, or change? → Stress and dysregulation are likely driving the behavior.
Am I feeling triggered to win? → Might be a clue you’re caught in a power struggle dance too.
✅ Key: Behavior is communication. Power struggles and pleas for help sound and look different when we pause to listen.
What to Do Next: The C.A.L.M. Way
When you’re not sure if it’s a power struggle or a plea for help, here’s a quick cheat sheet from my CALM Framework:
C - Connect First:
Validate their feelings.
“You’re upset. I’m here.”A - Be Aware of Needs:
Check for triggers: Hungry? Tired? Overstimulated? Sensory issues?L - Use Language that Leads:
Short, clear choices.
“You can touch the broccoli or leave it on your plate. Your choice.”M - Model Calm:
Show them how to stay regulated by staying regulated yourself.
Your Quick-Start Plan for This Week
✅ Today: Watch your toddler at mealtime… ask "Is this a battle or a cry?" before responding.
✅ Tomorrow: Try leading with connection first… even if it feels like defiance.
✅ This Week: Practice giving simple, calm choices when you sense a power struggle.
✅ Going Forward: Look underneath the behavior. You'll build more trust (and cooperation!) over time.
Final Thoughts: A Small Shift, A Big Win
The truth?
Toddlers aren't trying to make our lives harder.
They're trying to tell us something, just sometimes in the messiest, loudest ways possible because that’s the only way they know how to.
When you can spot the difference between a power move and a plea for help, you move from reacting… to leading with calm, confidence, and connection.
And that’s when everything starts to change. 💛
Question for You 👉:
Have you ever realized your toddler’s "bad behavior" was actually a hidden cry for help? Tell me in the comments or tag me on Instagram @raisingmyteenagedtoddler I love hearing your stories! 🥰
